Tank Tops Flip Flops Newsletter edition no. 97

Kansas City BBQ in Costa Rica? – Michael Simons’ Party 2016

“This is your pilot speaking. We have a major malfunction. The Auto Pilot is not working, along with many of the electronics of this airplane, and we must return to Newark Immediately. Please sit down and fasten your seat belt; we apologize for the inconvenience.” Can this get any worse, I thought to myself. I had already been delayed in Toronto for two hours due to winter weather, causing me to miss my connection from New Jersey back to paradise; Man I hate the cold. Who would live where it snows? Fools. After what seemed like an eternity, we finally lifted off and I thought I was headed home. We were over an hour and a half into the flight, meaning we were probably somewhere over North Carolina, when the Captain came on the speaker and informed us we were potentially flying a doomed craft. Why don’t we just land in Charlotte? Or Atlanta? Why do we have to risk, falling out of the sky like dead weight, to go all the way back to where we started. Just land ANYWHERE; and I will get off. I have a job, I will buy another ticket; I just want to get back to my dogs!!! It has to be that darned BBQ sauce, I know it. The plane is overweight.

A couple months earlier, my office gets a phone call from Customs in San Jose. There was a package for me, and the proper duty hadn’t been paid and the paperwork filled out, they said. What package? I didn’t order anything. After going back and forth with the agent on the phone, he finally told me that someone had sent me 12 Huge Jars of Kansas City BBQ sauce weighing approximately 20 pounds. Believe it or not, they consider that a food item, the same as shipping vegetables or raw meat. Yes, I know, STUPID!!! But those are their rules they told me, and the proper health department paperwork had not been filed. They proceeded to tell me I had two choices. Pay a couple hundred dollars, for about $100 worth of sauce, or have it confiscated, and destroyed, they said. Right! Like they are actually going to throw away some of the greatest marinade on the planet; Sure.

I found out that my clients, Shelley and Pat, this awesome couple from KC, had sent it to me when they got home, to thank me for helping them find their little piece of paradise. Unfortunately, they didn’t contact me first to ask about the process, as they wanted to surprise me. I tell people all the time, you cannot just ship something here, like going from one state to the next. This is another country and there are procedures for bringing goods and items through Customs. Had they told me ahead of time, I would have had them just ship it to my mailing address in the USA or to a client or friend who was coming down, and they could have muled it in their suitcases. I surely wasn’t going to pay the duty on it, so we just told them to forget it. I could just imagine the warehouse party they were throwing. YAHOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!! BBQ Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can see it now; dozens of customs agents, drunk off their ass, a big pig roasting over an open fire: hundreds of chicken legs smoking up the warehouse. There is a Mariachi band blasting away; the entire shindig dressed in Cowboy Boots and Hats; stray dogs sit patiently off to the side, hoping someone drops a nugget. Everybody is just lathered in BBQ sauce; laughing so hard they spit up their food; Stupid gringos. Think about it; some nice family is relocating to Costa Rica and shipped all their belongings in a container. When it finally arrives, and it is delivered to their home, there is this “smell” in all of their stuff. “Honey? Why does our Italian leather sofa smell like a wood burned oven? And our bed sheets remind me of a Chicago Dog from the Cubs game this year. What the hell is going on around here?”

“This is the cockpit. Do not be afraid, but you will see fuel coming from the wings. We are overloaded and need to dump some gasoline before arriving. This is standard operating procedure for an emergency landing; Nothing to be concerned about.” Did he just say emergency landing? Don’t be concerned? Overweight? It’s that fricken BBQ sauce, I know it! A couple weeks earlier, I had told Phil, one of my best friends in the world, the customs story. You see he lives in Olathe Kansas, a suburb of KC, and I knew he would appreciate the chuckle. What I didn’t anticipate is that he is the kind of guy, who enjoys being a comedian. So when he heard I was going to Toronto to visit another good friend of ours, he decided to make a point. He shipped 20 Jars of BBQ sauce to his house; literally, I needed a second suitcase just to get it all on the plane. It weighed a ton!!! And how the heck am I going to explain this to the customs agent when I land?

I had visions of that horrible Egypt flight, where the airport cameras caught it just barreling straight down into the ground and exploding. You could see the director of the FBI on TV a couple weeks later; “We have determined the cause of the crash. The plane was overweight, and it was the BBQ sauce’s fault. We are saddened by this horrible tragedy, but I hope everyone learns a lesson from this. Just buy it in the store next time; yes we know it is more expensive in Costa Rica; but now hundreds are dead all because of you; you cheap bastard.”

“Attention everyone! We are going to be landing in a couple minutes. As you look out your window you will see emergency vehicles, fire trucks and ambulances, lining the runway. This is just a precaution; don’t panic. Thank you for flying our airline today.” Don’t panic? Of course I am going to panic; I wanted to scream like a little girl. We are coming in for a crash landing to Newark! I couldn’t breathe, I was hyperventilating. My entire life was flashing before my eyes. Little Millie is going to be so pissed. Actually, I almost hope I die, now that I think about it. Death might be better than being stranded in this dump for another couple days. Dear Lord. I am sorry. I will NEVER fly with BBQ sauce again. EVER. So help me God! Cross my heart. Just let me get home to my dogs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I made it.

So….. What do you do with enough BBQ sauce for 100 kilos of chicken? Throw my annual party, that’s what you do. You are nuts if you missed it. Nobody throws a BASH like Michael Simons – NOBODY.

If you missed it here is the video

Hope to see you soon.

Come on down baby!!!

Michael Simons

PS I want to personally thank EVERYONE who contributed to our TOYS FOR TOTS drive this year and to all the people who worked hard behind the scenes to make this happen. We collected TWO entire cargo van loads full of toys.  There will be a lot of smiles on some beautiful little children’s faces this Christmas. It brings tears to my eyes actually.  I LOVE THIS COUNTRY. Thank you for allowing me to live here.

PSS – Thank you Shelley, Pat and Phil for the love. It is truly appreciated and was enjoyed by over 600 people.

Rock you like a Costa Rica Hurricane

Costa Rica has NEVER had a hurricane; EVER. Since the beginning of recorded history, in 1851, no hurricane has ever made landfall in the world of PURA VIDA. So when hurricane Otto started heating up in the Caribbean earlier this week, nobody paid much attention. There have been storms before, of course, but nothing ever caused any serious damage to our country. Usually, we get what they call the “TAIL END” of the storm; meaning we get a ton of rain, for 2 or 3 days, and that’s all folks. The storms always turn north, and hits land higher up the coast. Even Nicaragua and Panama have only had a handful of them over the course of time; we were pretty confident nothing was going to happen. If you look at a map you will see that we are kind of down in a bowl, which protects us from the storms. As the week went on though, it seemed determined to change history.

There has NEVER been a hurricane in Costa Rica. I have been telling this to people since I started living in Costa Rica; it was one of the main factors for buying property in Costa Rica. Although, technically hurricane season ends November 30^th, it is very rare for one to form this late in the year, anywhere in the Atlantic. Also, they almost NEVER form this low in latitude. But Hurricane Otto, again, was determined to set a record. It was actually the LATEST landfall hurricane and the third LOWEST Latitude EVER RECORDED. It seemed like an eternity, waiting for it to finally arrive. It started out as a tropical storm early in the week, but by Tuesday November 22 2016 it had officially become a hurricane, the 7^th of 2016, and earned its new name. Yet, no one in Coco seemed too concerned the first couple days, me included. I was shopping in the grocery store and a friend came up to me. “Are you stocking up for the big one?” he joked. “Are you worried there won’t be any food later in the week?” Nah, I said. I am just getting ready for Thanksgiving and NFL football. Besides, there will always be fried chicken, I told him. There are dozens of stores on every corner, Costa Rica will never be without Pollo Frito, and I joked; I have tons of alcohol and lots of dog food too, so I will be OK.

Costa Rica has NEVER had a hurricane. These storms are intense low pressure areas, that form over warm ocean waters in the summer and early fall. Their source of energy is water vapor which is evaporated from the ocean surface. This vapor is the “fuel” for these massive storms, because it releases heat when it condenses to form clouds and rain, warming the surrounding air. Usually this heat is carried away in wind shears which blow the top off of the thunderstorms. But when there is little or no wind shear, this heat can build up, causing the low pressure to form. This causes wind to begin to spiral inward toward the center of the low. More water evaporates, spiraling inwards, feeding more showers and storms, causing what are called the “eyewall.” This continues until a full blown hurricane is formed. For decades, they have been impossible to predict, but thanks to modern technology, it is getting more advanced. NASA just launched 8 satellites into space that will make it even easier to forecast, and keep tabs on these monsters, but that still won’t stop them from coming and didn’t help Latin America this week. 

There has NEVER been a hurricane in Costa Rica. As it became evident that Costa Rica was going to receive at least a portion of the wind, the government went in to gear. They issued an evacuation order for everyone on the Caribbean Coast and potentially affected regions. The entire country went into either Yellow or Red Alert, and the RED CROSS started setting up shelters. Thousands of people were moved from low lying areas in the Limon region, and moved to safer and higher ground. Animals were picked up too, and placed in safe zones, and the President declared a National Emergency, allowing the police and rescue teams to rock n roll. They cut electricity in many areas to avoid the potential for electrocution.  I was VERY impressed with how this little country handled the situation, especially since they have never had ANY experience at all with something like this. Their quick response DEFINITELY saved lives; maybe hundreds. The storm seemed to just sit on the eastern coast, leaving us wondering if it was ever going to make landfall, and work its way across the country; as was predicted on the hurricane channels. The path showed it coming directly over the top of Liberia and the Papagayo region; yet it continued to stall. It got stronger, and more violent, and it was pronounced a Category 2, during the midday hours of Thanksgiving.

Costa Rica has NEVER had a hurricane. It finally hit. It actually didn’t make landfall in Costa Rica, so technically we still have never had a Costa Rica hurricane.  It hit just north of our border in San Juan de Nicaragua at 1 PM EST on Thanksgiving Day. Massive winds, up to 110 MPH belted towns all along the border. The wind arc was 50 KM across, so it covered well into our territory. Dozens of rivers flooded, washing away homes, and devastating neighborhoods. As it rose over our mountain range, mud slides took out anything in their path, leaving many homeless and without food. Close to 10PM that night, it finally bore down on Guanacaste. I had all 9 of my dogs, huddled up in the house; it was a doggie slumber party. The rain was torrential, pounding harder than I have ever heard. We are accustomed to wind, as we experience the Papagayo Trade Winds every February, but when mixed with bullet type rain, it was so loud it was deafening. The dogs were trembling; the power was out; yet we sat and we waited. That is always the worst part, not knowing what to expect. Finally, somewhere in the middle of the night, it finally passed.  We survived and we are all ok, Thank God, but many of the surrounding homes in the area were hit hard. As is usually the case, the poor take the brunt of it. Their homes aren’t built to the standards that mine is; many times nothing more than tin and wood. Dozens of trees fell, unfortunately crushing houses and cars underneath. Fortunately, no one in our area was killed.

As far as hurricanes go, this one was pretty small, but still devastating to so many people throughout the country. The town of Upala was hit the worst; almost completely demolishing it. There is a handful dead and many missing, the numbers are not in yet. Rescue teams are still searching the rubble; so many people are homeless and left without anything.

Costa Rica has never had a hurricane until now. I hope we never have one again. Thanks for all your prayers, emails, phone calls, texts and Facebook posts.

If you want to help the victims of the Costa Rica hurricane, you can make a donation to the RED CROSS attention Costa Rica. Also, you can have your property manager here in Costa Rica make an immediate donation to any local bank via wire transfer, or you can personally go to any National Bank and make a cash deposit. Please say a prayer.

Michael

Tank Tops Flip Flops Newsletter edition no. 96